Stream-of-Conscious (Sort of)

I am Jenna Janes. I am 19 (almost 20!) and I absolutely refuse to cry right now. Maybe if I squeeze my eyelids tighter those burning, telling tears won't be able to escape. It's not like anyone can see me crying. Marianne, my new roommate, is reading but she's on the bottom bunk and everyone else is asleep. But if I let the first tear fall then a hundred more will follow, and if I let that happen I will start to sob. If I sob Marianne will hear and think I am a complete baby. If I try to hold the sobs in my whole body will shake, which will cause this stupid bed to squeak and wiggle, and--you guessed it--she will know something is wrong. It's not I don't like Marianne, in fact she seems really nice. All my roommates do. Well, Nicole seemed a little stand-offish and I haven' met Kristin or Mindi, but I'm sure they are all nice, too.

Am I really even supposed to be here? I mean, technically I should have been in Veronezh, Russia for four days. And even after that didn't work out, I could've stayed in Portland, Oregon working for Orkin. Pat and John seemed to really like me, and all the guys treated me like I was their daughter--well Dax, and John Schlosser treated me like a kid-sister but they were really great guys. And suffering through that endless ride from Portland back to Utah--I thought I was going to throw Bethany's stupid dog out the window. Yip yip yip. Mangy beast wouldn't shut up.

But it was so good to see Natalie again. My sister is so amazing--how many sisters would drive from Nephi to Orem just to pick up her migrant little sister? And Lily got so big!!! When I left in May she was three months old and was just starting to hold her head up. Now she can sit up all by herself, and roll over, and grab things. She's only six months now, but I suppose that is twice as old as she was last time I saw her. And Kelsey, she changed so much, too. She's still doing cheer, but now she's dating Anthony (of course she'd pick a senior seeing as now she's a sophomore). Daddy looks old, especially with that bushy beard that has more gray than color. The fact that he nearly shaves his head and has that thing growing on his chin adds to the aging. Mama looks the same. She cut her hair, but other than that she hasn' really changed. She's really excited about the move from the Pre-school to Beryl. Hopefully things go well for her there. It will be so bizarre living away from home. I stayed there while attending SUU, but Natalie finally convinced me to try out Snow. She came here and loved it. She also came here and got married.

While it may seem selfish, I don't want to get married. At least not right now. There are so many things I want to do first, why give up a degree from Columbia, living in London, becoming a Sign Language interpreter, serving a mission just to be tied to some guy forever. I mean, because I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I believe in eternal marriage. If I am going to be married for eternity, then I figure waiting a few measely years won't put things off too far.

Oh this house stinks! Not figuratively, but literally has a definite foul odor. When I saw Carole's Cottage on the website I thought, "I could do a cottage." I saw the picture of the house from the outside, but I never realized how awful it would be. The carpet is threadbare, there are no doors on the closets, I am sharing the bathroom with four other girls. On the upside we do have a big-screen (we're talking 54") tv, and a whirlpool. There is also a tanning bed, but it is coin-op as are the washer and dryer. Oh well, I guess for $400 a semester I can deal with it. Maybe if I think about something else I'll be able to fall asleep... I have to unpack everything tomorrow since I didn't get here until around nine tonight. But I have to remember to check my schedule for which classes I have. And I am supposed to meet my boss Beckie, but I don't know when and I would've called her tonight but my cellphone died and the charger is somewhere in all the stuff in my car. Correction, not my car. The car my grandparents are loaning me until I can get a car because mine died.

Oh there are so many things to do! Maybe if I sing a song I'll be able to fall asleep. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray..."