Sometimes Life Bites You in the Ass...

But that isn't always a bad thing. The boyfriend mentioned in the last post declared--in a text message--yesterday that he no longer felt we were "right." When I said this was something serious that needed to be discussed at least over the phone (since his residing in So Cal and mine in So Utah doesn't allow face-to-face) he replied that he was busy because he was going on a bike ride to Huntington Beach with his brother and needed to get his bike ready. So when I asked him to explain to me what happened he said he had been trying all day (insert eye-roll here). So I told him I obviously didn't understand so he should try a different approach. He said he didn't know how else to explain it. I told him to go to hell.

I am not going to lie, I cried my eyes out for hours and hours since then. But after visiting with a friend who, fortunately for me not-so-fortunately for her, has experienced heart-break before I took a step back and looked at things from a different perspective. Yes, losing this relationship still hurt like hell and made me feel like my heart was in a vice, but there was light at the end of this torture. I didn't have to worry about what he thought anymore.

He had a real issue with the fact that I belch. Yes, I know, it is not "lady-like"--but it is a part of who I am. Around him--taboo. I am 5'11", when I wear four inch heels I am pretty much a giant; however, I LOVE my tall shoes! I love how they make me feel. He hated that I was a whole quarter inch taller than him and forbade me wear them in his presence. He told me my butt was big and insisted that for the relationship to continue I had to take up running. I was well aware that my figure was--and is--more than full and in need of some lifestyle changes. So I started eating less food as a whole, but more healthy food was also incorporated. I convinced my family we needed to start exercising more--we are now all members of Gold's Gym (yes, that cost a pretty penny). That is all good, but he made me feel inferior. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him if I didn't lose several inches and a lot of pounds. For the first time in my life I really felt ugly. I never though I was runway model-gorgeous, but I at least thought I was a passable cute. I have cute hair, I wear cute clothes, I try to take care of my general appearance. But with him I felt inadequate. I know it may sound trivial, but I want a little dog when I get married and (gulp) have kids. I grew up with a miniature schnauzer in my home, I want my children to have a pet like that. Sometimes Mitzi (my dearly-departed friend) was my ONLY friend. He said the dog was NOT allowed on his bed, NOT allowed in his room, NOT allowed to bark, and NOT allowed to ever make messes. If it did any of these things he would "kick it like a football across the yard." Hmm, not the acceptance I was hoping for. Mostly, I've been in this depressed funk for weeks. I don't feel like being with friends. I don't feel like getting ready for the day. I don't even feel like going to the gym.

My thought process continued along this same path, before long I came to the conclusion, "WHAT WAS I THINKING, BEING WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Sure, we shared mutual interests in music, friends, music, politics, music, mostly just music in the beginning. But things have seriously deteriorated over the last few months. In fact, since he came in April it seems to have been a downward spiral. I felt so stupid for not seeing the glaringly obvious red flags waving in my face.

Jamie said, "You weren't stupid, you were love-struck." No. I didn't see them because I didn't WANT to see them. I wanted everything to be perfect and happily-ever-after. I wanted him to be the one. I made heinous exceptions for him that make me cringe to think about now.

In life, all choices carry consequences. Before making decisions one should always ask, "Is this something I can live with for the rest of my life?" If not, then it is obviously wrong. So I asked myself, "Can I live without Ben?" YUP. "Will I be happy?" YUP. "Did I learn anything from this?" I SURE AS HELL HOPE SO--OTHERWISE I DESERVE TO BE HURT.

Now I wonder if he asked himself if he could live without me and be happy. I sure hope he did and that his answer was yes, because if not he just made a mistake he'll regret forever.

"Make a fool of me once, the fault is your's; make a fool of me twice, the fault is mine." I will not be made a fool by this pandering coward again.